If someone was to ask you who are you, what would you say. Describe yourself, tell me something I don’t know.
I don’t know. I can’t figure that out anymore.
In the past could have answered. Student, Sister, Girlfriend, Best Friend. Ambitious, Generous, Emotional, Sensitive. I hate running. I’m scared of the dark. I don’t like olives. I don’t drink. I hate working full time. I hate being in an office. I enjoy sociology. I want to be a teacher. I am quite negative. My friends are like family. I pray every night. I cry everyday. I don’t like facebook. I love sad songs. I use skype everyday. I will never love again. I will never be loved.
All of these were true at some point. But now, I don’t know what I would say.
Student. Employee. Sister. Daughter. Friend. I love walks. I miss working full time. I love olives. I can’t pray anymore. Facebook cures boredom. I was loved again. I did love again. I like the dark. But still hate the bogeyman. I can’t listen to sad songs. I keep drinking. I want to run a company. I want to teach people what I know. I want to play poker. I will Jet Ski. I want to travel more. I am lonely. And I am sad. And I am lost. Not forever, but for now. I have no energy. I have no passion. I have no love.
The things I had, the things I believed in…they were taken from me. Not on purpose, and no one noticed. But I changed, again. I will keep changing. People will take parts of me when they leave, and others will teach me new things to replace them. They will give me something. And I know when they should leave, because they have already packed away that piece of me.
When that happens, when they take something, you will become me. An outline, and a list of ideas. But something will consume you, and make you new. That is sadness for me. It takes over me everyday. And it doesn’t let you go, until it thinks you deserve it.
I’m older now. I’ve been through more. Travelled, loved, lost. I should be wiser. Feel like I can handle more. But looking back at the past few years in posts, I am the same. My heart still breaks as easily. I still don’t know when to give up. I still think that people care. I still hope that everyday will be different. And after all of that, I really don’t think I like who I am. Maybe parts of me have changed, and I have had moments when I thought I liked the difference. I will always be like this. And I will never be loved for this. The world is cruel place. So when you find that love, that warmth, and that home, be thankful to whatever god or higher up you worship, that it happened to you. Because there are a lot of us out there who go to sleep every night wishing they could be that little bit happier.
And for everyone: don’t be like me. I want nothing more than to be happy and enjoy life. So when pain tries to control you, don’t let it. Because once it has, and that hurt takes over you, it is near impossible to go back. You will stop trusting, and promises mean nothing. And you don’t want that. You want to believe your best friend when they say they love you and will never leave you. You want to know that tomorrow will be better and your job won’t always be the same. You want to enjoy every bit of life that you can, while you can.
there are so many fine lines in life. One second, you can want to call everyone important in your life and tell them how much you love them. They could leave this earth at any minute, as could you, and they need to know what they mean to you. The next, you realise just how little you probably mean to so many people and all of a sudden, you’re alone. You’re in a situation where you have no one to call. You have no one to make you feel special. Within a few minutes, you have gone from feeling loved to realising that maybe life just isn’t worth it. From feeling like someone would want to hear your last words, to thinking that no one would notice if you weren’t here. There is no big lesson in life. There is no ‘tell someone you love them everyday’ or ‘live life to the fullest’. No. Those ideas are for people who have never experienced hurt or pain. For those who have only ever felt loved and important to those around them. For those who experience pain, hurt, betrayal and loneliness; each day is a gift. And if you get through it, you should be proud. But just because someone tells you that, doesn’t mean that the next day will be any easier. Life is never easy.
No one will read this. No one will care. This post, is the best friend that I don’t have. The one that I can say anything too and never feel judged. The one that will love me, no matter what. The one that will always be there for me. And the one that is there, whenever I need them.